I bought a bottle of my favorite non-alcoholic wine... Ariel Blanc (the first and only de-alcoholized wine to win a Gold Medal against wine WITH alcohol) ... "I come to answer thy best pleasure, be't to fly, to swim, to dive into the fire, to ride on the curled clouds. To thy strong bidding task Ariel and all his quality." Shakespeare And tonight I'll share that wine with a lover I've put before all others for years. I put him before my child's safety in the womb, before my son's health in the home, before my own sustenance and growth. I've carried this lover everywhere and had tantrums when he wasn't at my fingertips. I've left other lovers for him and fought with anyone who tried to make me leave him. I've thought of him as my safety, my protector, my shield against all pain and fear. With him I could do anything with the help or support of no one else. And we have laughed together and shared moments as only longtime lovers can. He has walked me through my most traumatic events and losses as well as my triumphs and joys. But tonight I'll tell him good-bye. I've had to support him since I was an 11 year old child. What manner of man takes a child as a lover? He has ruined my teeth, my lungs and demanded to be first over all other things, including the air I breathe. He gives nothing but false promises and destroys with each breath he takes. And I no longer love him. I hate him. Even more, I hate myself for being his naive slave for 33 years. I've prided myself for standing free, on my own. But I haven't, I've stood under his malicious dictatorship since I was a child and I've been too blind to see. Odd, how could I be a slave and not know? Will I miss him? I'll miss the fantasy I thought was real. The fantasy of a partner at my side, someone walking thru every step of life. Someone I can turn to in the darkest hours and hold tight to when my own legs can't carry me. Even now he laughs, he doesn't think I'm strong enough to leave him after these many years. He says he'll call me back forever and sooner or later I'll reach for him, so I might as well forget this foolishness and surrender back to him, signing over my soul. But I remind him that I never go back to old lovers, that once I'm done, I'm done. That I love the taste of freedom blowing in my hair and the touch of wildness it brings to my spirit. Yet, I falter for a moment and reach deep within to find an ally in this new song. And suddenly, there he stands... sturdy, grey, mighty. A unicorn who says his name is Rasaan. I run my fingers thru his tangled coat of silky wool. I lean on him and feel his heartbeat like ancient drums, hear in his breath a storm of power that can keep old lovers at bay. And in his eyes are galaxies I've never explored, names of lovers I've yet to meet, and a woman, 1/2 crone, 1/2 child wearing my face and laughing. And then I know beyond all doubt that tonight I'll tell that lover good-bye. I'll scream, swear and agonize over the ripping of him from the depths of my being, my memories, my hopes, but over days it will end. And throughout the struggle Rasaan with be there, next to me, not asking for anything that tears my heart or splits my spirit. And when I walk away free, I'll be as the crone-child in Rasaan's eyes... laughing.
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