In The Beginning...

       Llamas have an adorable way of laying down and tucking all four legs underneath themselves. This is called kushing. I proudly taught Santa, my weanling stud-to-be, to kush on command in less than an hour. (Not one person had mentioned that it's NEVER a good idea to teach a llama to kush PRIOR to teaching them to allow their legs and feet to be handled.)

       I noticed he was beginning to look like Freddy Kruger of the horror movies, so I decided to give him a a toenail trim. I had llama care videos that clearly showed llamas standing calmly as their feet were trimmed. I reached for a front foot and Santa kushed. I said "up" and he got up. This happened several times so I tried a back foot, only to get the same results. Okay fine, I'd just trim his feet while he kushed.

       You just would not believe how tightly a llama can tuck his feet under himself! I finally got a hold of a back foot and for the next thirty seconds I tasted victory. Then Santa shifted his weight, rolled onto my arm and pretended he was deaf as I screeched "UP". In desperation I pinched him and he shifted again. I jerked out my flattened arm, and my resolve became fierce. I pushed until I got him on his side, dove on top of him, and began snipping away at his toenails with my rose cutters. A mere two hours later I was finished and Santa was a contender for the "Well Trimmed Toenails Hall of Fame". I was so proud of myself! (I didn't realize back then that I'd get ribbed for years over my rose clippers and "technique".)

       There is a certain amount of equipment every llama owner needs. One important tool is the blower. It works just the opposite of a vacuum and is used to blow dust, hay and other foreign objects from the wool. It merely takes a minute or two to get a llama used to the feel of being attacked by a hurricane. I asked my good friend, Nancy, to help during this very simple process. She had no experience with large animals and was a bit afraid of my llamas, but I assured her they were sweet and harmless.

       Since Santa was my unofficial favorite and had the most wool, I decided to start with him. I asked Nancy to to hold his lead rope and assured her again how safe from harm's reach she truly was. All went well until I turned the blower on. At that point Santa did the cutest imitation of Silver (the Lone Ranger's horse) that you've ever seen. He reared up and down so rapidly that it was hard to imagine he wasn't on springs.

       I could tell Nancy was amazed because her mouth was open and odd sounds of awe poured forth, but she couldn't actually seem to form words. I aimed the gale force breeze at Santa and, sure enough, a sheet of dust released his fiber - it was magic!

       The blower is quite noisy and I could barely hear Nancy's squeals of delight as Santa's size increased two-fold in fluffiness. Then I walked around Santa to Nancy's side and was gripped by the sight I beheld. Her eyes had a strange new quality to them, somewhat like the photos of Charles Manson. She was also evenly coated in a brown layer of dirt accentuated with bits of wool, hay and something suspiciously similar to a squashed tree frog. The tiny green frog that usually greeted me by the llamas' water trough had been absent for a few days. I tried to discuss this with Nancy, but she was babbling incoherently and pointing at her foot.

       ANYONE with an inkling of common sense would not wear thongs (the rubber shoe things, not the underwear) while working with large animals. Evidently, Santa had landed on her foot with his "Hall of Fame" toenails during his bronco show. Her thong hung from her ankle, slightly shredded, and her foot looked like well pounded beefsteak. I didn't want Santa to associate the smell of blood with my new tool and I asked Nancy to please go clean up and put on different shoes. She went off ranting, raving and throwing her arms around which was really inappropriate because that sort of thing can scare a llama.

       I was quite disappointed with her behavior and thought about not letting her help me with Rocky, but good help is hard to find. My only other available assistant was Jim, but he had mysteriously disappeared after witnessing Nancy scare Santa so badly. Actually, I think it was the squashed frog that really got him because I heard him making retching sounds as he peeled it off Nancy's shoulder. Men are not nearly as accepting of nature as women are.

       Nancy finally returned and I had Rocky, my large adult gelding, waiting. I knew she'd try to chicken out so I handed her the lead rope and flipped the blower switch. Rocky had a much different reaction than Santa's, he spit a huge glob of green, stuff directly in the air. It began making it's descent in Nancy's vicinity and she was leaping around like a little leaguer afraid to catch a pop fly. It landed just to the left of her and, sure enough, it had an odor akin to cat diarrhea. I'd heard this, but none of my llamas had spit until now.

       Rocky hadn't spit at us, but I figured it was best not to let him think I'd tolerate any spitting at all. I'd never been a spitter myself, I was taught it wasn't ladylike, but this was an emergency situation and no time to worry about my image. I intended to prove my dominance to Rocky by spitting right in his face. Just as I let go of the biggest wad of spit I could muster, I caught a glimpse of Jim coming back to join us. I don't know if Rocky moved or the wind gusted or if I just lacked practice, but the wad landed and slid down Nancy's cheek - it was almost like a slow motion video. Jim's face was frozen in shock and Nancy became completely unbalanced. They left together muttering something about me being committed. Hell yes, I'm committed. I plan to raise llamas the rest of my life, but good help could be problem.

       Do llamas spit? Rarely at people. Do llama owners spit? Not usually at llamas, BUT asking them if llamas spit - the question that is ENDLESSLY asked... along with how many eggs they lay (... none) or if they are edible (PLEASE, we'd sooner eat our dirty sox!) COULD get you spat upon.